He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
