My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
