And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
