Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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