I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
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