anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
