is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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