I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
