Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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