Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
