It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
