so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
