I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
two words: eviction party
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
