now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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