So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
