I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
