He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
