Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
