Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize