If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
