i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
