Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
