dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
You are the jesus of drinking
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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