The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize