mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
