Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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