My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
