and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize