This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
