Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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