Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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