I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
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