Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
