Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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