dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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