I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
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