She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
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