o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
