$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
a search helicopter?!
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Randomize
