I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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