birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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