was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize