somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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