Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
