How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
