who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
