Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
