Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
