I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
