The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
