omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
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