his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
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