can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
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