God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize