I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
