The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
