If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
