Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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