Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
