EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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