she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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