i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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