How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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