I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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