We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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